The Power of Compassion

“The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake.” – The Four Agreements wisdom book by Don Miguel Ruiz

How often have you had a memory of something you did or something you said stick with you throughout your lifetime, making you cringe and chastise yourself every time you’re reminded of it?

I want to celebrate the bravery it takes to be your authentic self in an ignorant world – not a hateful world, an ignorant one.

In this post I’m going to share a deeply embarrassing story of my own ignorance that has made me feel shame for nearly 15 years, and while it still makes me cringe – so much so that I don’t even know if I’ve ever told my girls this story as a teaching moment – it also makes me appreciate the power of compassion in changing the world.

The Lessons We Learn

When I was younger the point was driven home, both in church and in school, that in order to prove that you were engaged in a lesson or a conversation, you had to contribute. Say something, anything. Participate, even if you have nothing meaningful to say, so everyone knows you’re paying attention. Silent contemplation is not acceptable.

I’ve always loathed internalizing that lesson, feeling compelled to speak even when it would have been more beneficial for everyone involved if I had simply remained silently contemplative.

I’m reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies of the past few years, The Glass Onion. “It’s dangerous thing, isn’t it, to mistake speaking without thought for speaking the truth.” In other words, “Think before you speak!”

In 2009, at the age of 24, I worked a brief, week-long stint in a contract role with a diverse group of colleagues, most of whom I had just met. Among them was an openly gay man, and I genuinely liked him.

After training the first day, the group decided to go out to dinner, and at one point during the evening, the conversation turned to this colleague’s experiences being a gay man in this world.

Little did we know at the time, I was about to contribute to his list of experience stories.

One of the girls, a friend of mine, related to the man by sharing that a gay friend of hers invited her to attend a Pride Parade with him. In a moment of ignorance and insensitivity, and a failed attempt to also contribute to the conversation, I blurted out, ‘Oh, how uncomfortable!’

Nope, the only thing uncomfortable was that comment!

The tactful diffusion that followed was delivered with such finesse and skill that I can only imagine it was mastered through a lifetime of enduring unintentional microaggressions, much like the one I had just regrettably contributed to the collection.

First, my friend, likely feeling second-hand embarrassment, stepped in on my behalf, gracefully easing the awkwardness of the situation by publicly reassuring me with a smile, “Oh, it’s not uncomfortable at all. I’ve been multiple times, and they’re actually a lot of fun.”

I was grateful for her poise and natural talent for easing the social tension; a skill I clearly needed to sharpen, because next, realizing but not yet fully understanding the depth of my ignorance, I continued to stumble through my words, saying, ‘I mean, it’s not that I have a problem with Pride Parades, of course, I think they’re a good thing! It just seems like it would be awkward being the only straight person there.”

This is when the man kindly chimed in with his perspective. ‘Oh, no, so many different types of people come. They’re really a lot of fun! We love to have straight people there. And it’s actually really important to us to have straight friends and allies come celebrate with us. I think you’d enjoy going to one!”

Then everyone continued treating me with friendliness and dignity throughout the evening.

I felt ignorant. I felt intolerant. I felt re-educated. I felt closed-minded, even though that’s not who I believed myself to be. Why was that a thought I even had? Much less, said aloud? Of course a pride party sounds like something I’d enjoy.

And not only that, I had young children that I was responsible for teaching and moulding. Was I unintentionally failing my children and society? Clearly I had some subconscious thoughts and beliefs I needed to confront and work through.

Of all the emotions I felt about the situation, however, the strongest and most powerful was gratefulness. I felt grateful at the way the situation was handled with grace and education when I felt I hadn’t deserved that response.

I realized that, growing up, I was unintentionally taught by society that everyone is free to be who they are…. behind closed doors.

The Breakfast Club

Recently, I was forced to watch the terrible, cult classic eighties film, ‘The Breakfast Club,’ with an intergenerational audience that included my mom, my oldest sister, our children of various ages, including my newly turned 16-year-old, and her friends.

“What is this dialogue?” my oldest, Claire, asked aloud with a grimace. “This is so cringe!”

We all laughed again when the detention teacher unironically said, “Don’t mess with the bull, young man, you’ll get the horns”

I’m laughing now just typing it, reminded too closely of an unfortunate, self-important, male teacher on a power-trip we all endured through high-school.

My mom explained through our laughter, ‘This was made in the eighties! 38 years ago!’ (that’s how old I am). ‘Of course it’s going to be awful.’ (I don’t take that personally). But it taught people to look at everyone’s perspectives and see things from another point of view. They’re all going through something.”

That lesson transcends time and scenarios. And is also is a good example of why I so strongly disagree with book or film bans. It’s so important to see where we were at different points in history and how far we’ve come.

There’s no true diversity in that film. It just comes across as a bunch of spoiled white kids who don’t even stay true to themselves throughout the course of the movie. But it shows us the progress we’ve made, and how much work we still have left to do.

For me, to truly see a different perspective it took exposure, education, acceptance, and love.

The suit

Several years ago one of my daughters had to attend a winter event and, in lieu of a dress, wanted to wear a fitted suit with a Christmas tie. So we went shopping.

The dressing room attendant helping us was a young female in her twenties with hair styled in a short, pixie cut, and wearing a fitted suit.

As my daughter tried on the suits, the attendant struck up a conversation with me about the event, my daughter’s choice of attire, and her own past.

“When I was her age, I would have loved for my mom to be so supportive of what I wanted to wear,” she told me with a look of appreciation. “She always forced me to wear dresses I hated and I was always so uncomfortable. It wasn’t me.”

Again, I found myself in a situation with depth I didn’t fully grasp in that moment. But even at the time it was a powerful reminder that it costs nothing to be supportive and make a person feel accepted, yet it holds immeasurable worth to a person’s value.

Virtual Pride Party

Last year, I was fortunate enough to be able to attend a really fun virtual pride party and story hour with my youngest. With its vibrant rainbows, magical unicorns, and energetic dance party, it encompassed all the elements that she adores!

Most importantly, it gave me the opportunity to expose her to love and acceptance and diversity from a young age.

She interacted with Mr. Ms. Adrian about how excited she was to be at the party, and they exchanged compliments about each other’s attire. She sat and actually listened to the story, then actively participated in the virtual dance party, letting loose on the back porch as though no one was watching. She remembers that event with smiles and fondness.

What still stands out to me from the beginning story is that I came across as an ignorant bigot. My reaction was probably deeply hurtful to someone who has likely experienced true hate. And yet I was treated with the understanding, acceptance and compassion, the way I imagine he wanted to be treated. That’s what everyone deserves; yes, even me in that insensitive moment.

I don’t know him. I don’t remember his name. There’s a good chance he doesn’t even remember this interaction. and yet he changed my life.

It took me years to fully understand and appreciate the depth and importance of that interaction.

Over time, Pride, to me, has come to mean being proud to be your authentic self! Always, not just behind closed doors.

There will still be times and situations in life where people are unintentionally insensitive and will say ignorant things, but people can change, and the way people react in those moments truly has the power to be transformative.

I look back now and realize I have changed so much since the age of 24. The view points and beliefs that I hold are constantly evolving and ever changing based on new information or life experiences.

It’s important to have compassion for others, but also to have compassion for yourself. Appreciate your growth and how you keep learning and evolving.

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